Starting Over Every Day
This morning I'm sitting at Jimmy's Restaurant, waiting for my breakfast, reflecting on the last few weeks.
It's been stressful as hell.
Bad even.
And somehow still wonderfully weird at the same time.
If you've been following along, you know I've taken a lot of leaps.
And then...
I've had even more setbacks.
Yesterday, I was ready to quit my new job.
Today, I realized it's all going to work out.
Maybe.
Even though it feels like my head is about to explode.
The short story?
I was given the rest of the weekend to select my health insurance after missing my open enrollment...
By one day.
(I wrote another story about it.)
Why do I keep making things so difficult?
Why can't I just remember these things?
I really don't know.
...
Well.
I guess I do.
Stu... face it.
You're not really healthy.
It's an illusion.
You look fine.
You look like a normal person.
And maybe you even act like one most of the time.
But really...
You're not.
Face it.
You're anything but normal.
Give yourself a break.
Sigh.
"I know."
But I want to be.
And I try so hard to act like I am.
I have to keep reminding myself to take it easy...
When all I really want to do is push myself harder.
It's a fine line between resting enough and moving forward.
And it isn't just physical things.
I struggle mentally, too.
Remember, Stu... it isn't just your muscles that are tired.
Your mind is, too.
That's why it's hard to concentrate.
Why you forget things.
Why your patience disappears.
Why you lose your temper for no particular reason.
Sigh.
"Okay."
I must give myself some grace.
Relax.
It's okay to struggle.
These emotions are real.
They aren't going anywhere.
Matter of fact...
They're probably going to get worse.
It's kinda scary.
But at the same time...
I have to find a way to be...
Happy.
Hopeful.
At peace with all these feelings of uncertainty.
I have to claw my way back.
And maybe I'll have to do it every day.
I might have to start over again.
Every day.
From scratch.
Tomorrow, I'll start again.
It's exhausting...
