I’m Unwilling to Stop.

I Don’t Stop

I’m unwilling to stop.

I keep going when maybe I should rest, and take it easy.

But, I don’t know how.

I have Myositis. Necrotizing Myopathy.

I also have heart disease. I’ve had bypass surgery and a couple stents.

Yet, I don’t slow down.

I don’t take it easy.

When really, maybe I should.

And sometimes it slaps me in the face.

Out of nowhere.

I go, go, go… believing I can do anything, and then eventually I’m reminded I can’t.

In June, I went back to a real job after many, many years of not being able to.

It’s been rough physically.

I look fine, but really I’m not.

I pretend everything is okay when it’s not.

Going home after work to nap every day, and resting all weekend because I’m exhausted is not normal.

That’s what I’ve done since June.

The first month was really rough.

Three weeks in, I got dizzy at my machine from fatigue.

I was exhausted on a Friday from loading heavy parts all week.

My company was great. They supported me by moving me to lighter parts.

Then, I spent the next two months grinding away.

Getting better each week, thinking my body is getting stronger.

Then, yesterday morning I found myself dizzy and fatigued with chest pains.

Again.

It’s been happening a lot, I just don’t want to admit it.

I drove myself to the hospital and spent the rest of the day there doing tests.

It was a false alarm.

My Troponin was elevated, but not enough for them to keep me.

But, this morning I realized it was an alarm.

It’s my alarm.

It’s my body’s way of saying—

HEY DUDE—

STOP.

I’m doing too much.

I know it.

I’ve always known it.

I just don’t want to accept it.

I don’t wanna stop.

I don’t want to give up.

I don’t want to settle for not being great.

But, I’m going to have to.

What do I do?

Quit my job?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do.