Written five months after “Unfinished Business.”
Months later, I reread something I wrote and realized I wasn’t finished after all.
I wonder why I chose Wrigley Field and New York City.
I was a Reds fan as a kid.
And New York? It’s not really a place I ever felt the need to go.
It sounds like traffic and chaos to me.
Isn’t it funny how much your perspective can change in only five months?
Why did I choose those places?
I think it’s because—how can you go your whole life and not go to New York?
What am I missing?
Everyone says it’s so great.
But is it?
I don’t know.
I think the not knowing might be the regret.
How can I say I don’t like New York if I’ve never been?
And do I really need to go to New York to feel fulfilled?
No. Of course not.
Can I be happy just sitting in this chair, writing, and drinking my coffee?
Yeah.
I think the only thing I can do is simply live.
Go.
Talk.
Write.
Listen.
Laugh.
Smile.
Soak it all in.
Stu—enjoy the ride.
Don’t get in a hurry.
Do as much as you can with what you have, and maybe let the rest be for the history books.
Besides, when you’re gone, will it matter?
No.
You’ll be forgotten like everyone else.
Forty years from now, it won’t matter.
This website will be gone.
It’s complicated, isn’t it?
Life can be this confusing mess of emotions—
pain and strength,
with flashes of hope and joy.
It’s truly a mystery.
Where will I go?
What will I do?
I just don’t know.
Will I even be remembered?
Isn’t this the question we all ask?
Why am I here?
Why did all these things happen to me?
What am I supposed to do with all this?
These things I’ve learned about myself—
how can I use them when I’m not here?
What purpose do they serve?
And most importantly, why do I feel the need to keep sharing all these personal details with you?
I don’t know why.
And I’m sure I may never know why.
Is this that regret?
The not knowing why?
Maybe.
I’m sure it is.
How can I get past this feeling—the feeling that I must do more and more?
I just don’t know.
Today, right now, I feel hopeless.
I’m hopelessly devoted to something I may never fully understand.
I’m searching for something I may never find.
I sigh.
This piece began with an earlier reflection called Unfinished Business.
You can read it here →
